The Character Deaths that Hurt Me The Most (And How I'd Fix Them)

 The Character Deaths that Hurt Me The Most (And How I'd Fix Them)

It's no secret that lesbian and bisexual characters die and die often. It's hard not to be affected by the deaths of these characters, especially when they happen so often. Sometimes I feel that television is saying that people like me don't deserve happy endings. It has gotten to the point now where I hesitate before starting a show with queer characters. Am I going to lose these girls too? There are times when I feel it's best not to get attached. But I LOVE television, so eventually, I give in.

Some deaths hurt more than others. There are some characters I'll hold in my heart with me forever. When anyone messes with them - including their writers - well, I am not a happy woman. Here's a list of the characters whose deaths affected me most deeply.

I want her leather jacket collection

I've written a little bit about Tamsin before. She was this beautiful, complex character (when the writers didn't forget how to write her) who never caught a break. She fell head over heels for a woman who didn't love her back in the same way (I think we all can sympathize). Lost Girl's final season was awful, disjointed and badly written for many reasons, but the worst of them was Tamsin's fate. She was raped, impregnated, imprisoned, and then died in childbirth. Then the show tried to convince us we should be happy about Tamsin's death, that she was "rising" to a better place. It was a big ol' pile of bullshit.

If I had my way, Tamsin the whole rape plot would have gone out the window. Tamsin would have found someone who loved her for who she is, and continued to be best buds with the happy sunshine gang. She also would have had a bigger role in the final fight, not being hindered by the whole giving birth thing.

two guns is better than one

Oh Root, my sweet murderous child. I've talked before about my disappointment in Person of Interest, but I don't think I've said enough about my love for Root. Look, I'm contractually obligated to fall in love with any character played by Amy Acker, but Root is so much more. Seldom have I seen a character with as much development as her. She goes from thinking that humans are just bad code, to protecting them at the behest of her God. Root even finds it within herself to love a human, Shaw. And what a love that is. It's a four-alarm fire in an oil refinery, and I love to watch it burn. Person of Interest was a show where anyone could die. I understood that, mentally. But I think what hurt me is that Root died to make Harold make a decision he should have already made in the first place - to set the machine free. She didn't need to die for his man-pain.

In my alternate universe, Harold Finch dies, and Root sets the machine free. It seems more fitting - out with the old guard, in with the new. 

"Accent à droite, bitch"

I used to love Orange is the New Black.The first season was witty, funny, and intensely gay. But as the seasons went on, it seemed to lose something. In season 3, we lost Poussey in the worst way possible. I love Poussey. She was one of the sweetest inmates (and one of the better people in the prison). Her relationship with Soso was adorable. It wasn't just that she died, but the WAY she died that hurt me so much. It seemed like the show was trying to make a statement about Black Lives Matter, but they clearly also wanted us to sympathize with the guard who asphyxiated Poussey. It sent... mixed messages. Also can't you send a message about Black Lives Matter without killing a character?

In my alternate universe, Poussey is alive and happy. She eventually gets out of prison, and so does Soso. They are never reincarcerated.

Lesbian and Bisexual Characters I Empathize With A Little Too Much

I'm a highly empathetic person. I had a difficult teenagerhood, struggling to deal with depression and chronic pain. What I looked to to help me was television. It inspired me, and in it I found kindred spirits, both in my fellow nerds and in fictional characters. 

I've always related to characters who are just a little broken. Maybe I'm a little bit of a drama queen, but I've been through some hard shit, and sometimes I feel like I'm not right, like I was built wrong. 

There are a few characters I've always really loved because I felt that in some way, they were me.

Lesbian and Bisexual Characters I Empathize With A Little Too Much

Tamsin from Lost Girl is deeply important to me,  despite the fact that her personality sometimes seemed to change depending on who was writing her. She started out as the bad guy and then became part of the team, a friend. And then, she got her heart broken by Bo. When I watched this show, I was in the middle of pining for a straight girl. I felt Tamsin's pain viscerally when Bo played with her affections (or accidentally hurt her, but honestly how oblivious can a woman really be?) I wanted to hug her, and tell her that everything would be okay. I wanted someone to do the same for me.

The way Tamsin's story ended left me furious. Death by rape baby has to be the worst possible way to go. I don't care that the show called it her "rising", there was nothing happy about that moment. Tamsin deserved happiness, not an untimely end.

Helena Wells from Warehouse 13 is my favorite character from anything, ever. This may be because of actress Jaime Murray, but quite a lot of it has to do with her storyline. She's a woman who feels so much pain from the death of her daughter that she conspires to end the world. She stares the woman she loves in the face and finds herself unable to kill her, and thus the world. She spends the next season finding redemption.

I'm about to tell you something mildly disturbing. If you're triggered by non detailed accounts of suicide, please don't read. I was an incredibly depressed teenager. I was born with chronic pain, and I haven't always dealt with it well. When I was thirteen I had my first suicide attempt. I conspired to end my world. I've dealt with the guilt from that and subsequent attempts for a good part of my life. I feel the burden of having hurt my family and friends. I guess I look at Helena's attempt to end the world as a very big suicide attempt. I can sympathize.

But what gives me hope about her is that she does move past it. She STOPS. She doesn't shoot Myka and she doesn't end the world. She moves on, and she tries to help the Warehouse agents fight Walter Sykes. And although she dies in that final battle, it is a sacrifice and not a suicide. She dies for other people, she doesn't hurt other people. And then, of course, because this is a fantasy show, she comes back. I'm very used to my favorite characters dying, so it's such a treat when they come back from the dead.

Then there's Cosima Niehaus. Now I actually haven't kept up with Orphan Black's 4th season, although I mean to at some point. Season 3 was deeply disappointing to me. The plot just didn't seem as tight, and once again the specter of Bury Your Gays entered the picture. Although it turns out the Delphine is alive now, so as said I will be coming back to the show. But Cosima has always really grabbed me. She's this incredibly intelligent woman who makes some truly terrible choices (in what world is it a good idea to get romantically involved with your monitor?) and who has to deal with a terminal illness. I am not terminal, but I have lived with chronic pain all my life. For much of my life, people have tried to make choices for me. Cosima's words, "my biology my decision" really resonate with me. I have spent enough time having other people make my medical choices for me.

I like to think that I carry with me a little piece of all of these characters.